5 am. The sun is coming up and I, Ralph Roach, hate light. I think I'll camp out in one of my favourite places: under the dark toaster.

Goodnight, diary. Your pal, Ralph

7 am. Yowch! Someone puts in some toast and wakes me out of my quiet sleep. Gotta get away from the noise and heat. I barely escape with my life as an angry human tries to swat me with a newspaper. A mad dash along the bench, a sharp turn down the side of the fridge. Ahhh, peace at last.

1 pm. A small dust ball blows under the fridge. I check it out with an antenna. No biggie. Back to sleep.

3 pm. Tragedy!

The boy comes home from school. He yanks open the fridge, grabs a soft drink and spills a half litre of milk. Me and my roach pals have to scurry before we drown in this growing lake. On our way to safety, the cat catches Clifford, my brother. I can't even stop to give him a proper burial. Luckily, I escape into a thin crack where the floor and cabinet meet. It's a tight squeeze, but I make it. Whew, my sides hurt from breathing so hard (in case you didn't know, diary, I breath in and out through holes in my side).

5 pm. I'm getting hungry. It's still too light out though, can't risk it.

7 pm. My stomach is growling like crazy! I think it's dark enough to look for food. Just when things seem safe: POW! The woman turns on the kitchen light. Two more pals get squashed. This has been a rough day for roaches. I make a dash for cover behind the cookbook shelf. I'm staying put.

8 pm. Boy, something smells good. Patience, Ralph, patience.

9 pm. Good thing these humans are such slobs! They left the dishes in the sink (barely scraped) and crumbs everywhere. Best of all, the lid on the rubbish tin is loose. Did you say party time?!

9:30 pm. It's lights off as the humans go out. One wave of my antennae tells me there is some good grub around. I'm even getting a whiff of some delicious bad milk. Time to venture forth. Yep, I was right! I meet up with some family and friends already at work on the rubbish tin. We all eat gobs of chicken skin, take sips of old beer, and finish off with rotting peach skins. I'd give this meal five stars!

10:30 pm. I'm stuffed. I barely make it up to my bed on top of a kitchen cupboard. This is a great place to smell everything going on, especially any cute female that may be interested in a male cockroach like myself. Here I am, ladies!

11 pm. I'm still here, girls. Where are you?

12 am. Disaster again! When the humans get home, they turn on a light and discover hundreds of my pals feasting on the trash. Boy, can humans scream! They zapped a bunch of roaches with some nasty spray. I miss out on a direct hit, but the poison leaves me dizzy. I barely make it to behind the stove.

2 am. I think I smell a hot babe, but it may just be the bug spray. I'm going to find a new hiding place. Off to behind the stove.

5 am. I see the sun peeking into the kitchen. Time for bed.

Goodnight, diary.

Love, Ralph